do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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