i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
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