this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
