gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
