I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
