we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
