if i can run in heels then i can drive
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Randomize
