I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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