And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
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No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
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No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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