What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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