Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
soo... how was my night?
Randomize
