Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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