How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
