her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I supernannyed him into submission
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
