I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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