other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Randomize
