Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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