fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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