your parents love me but you hate me
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
