Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
