At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
