I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
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