I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
