we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Randomize
