my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
