Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
