I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize
