She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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