Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
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In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
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It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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