Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
All the doctor said was why
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
