So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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