bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Randomize
