He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Randomize
