Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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