Non-Jews are for practice
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
