Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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