A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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