I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
