im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
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I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
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He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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