why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
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