Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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