my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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