I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
