God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
