As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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