I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Randomize
