So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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