I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
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