apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just forgot I was standing up.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
