she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
