I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
