Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
