I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
