I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.