the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
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I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
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I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt