just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I want her autograph on my taint
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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