So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Randomize
