i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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