Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
